Calvin at Camp Musicals
by Blue Paratroopa
Summary: A series of Broadway parodies featuring your favorite campers!
1. Bye Bye Quincy ACT I

WOW, it's been a while. Sorry for not posting for a while, everyone. Here are some new musical parodies! ...very, very loose ones, of course.

* * *

If you've read any other "Calvin at Camp" story, you know how they all start and this is no exception. All together now...IT WAS A NORMAL DAY AT CAMP. Now that that's out of the way, here's what was going on.

Calvin was pacing and scheming yet again in the corner of the main room, alongside his faithful tiger Hobbes, who preferred to sit back and watch these things play out from a distance.

"Okay, Hobbes," Calvin was saying, "I've been going over all of our get-rich-quick ideas, and I think I've finally figured out the problem!"

"They're poorly thought-out?"

"NO! They're brilliantly thought-out! I'm the one who thought them out, remember? What we need here isn't a get-rich-quick plan, it's a get-rich-moderately-fast plan! Everyone starts out slow, and I know where we can start from!"

"From the slums like in _Rocky_?" guessed Hobbes.

"No...remember how we hacked into the public access channel when Eddy made a game show?"

Hobbes nodded. "Vaguely. That was a pretty good episode."

"Think about it..." grinned Calvin.

(To the tune of "An English Teacher")

Calvin: _**Just public access, but it's still something**_

_**The big stars see it as simply a dumb thing**_

_**And yet we have to start out small I know**_

_**And we will be Calvin and Hobbes**_

_**The greatest Calvin and Hobbes**_

_**Calvin and Hobbes present the newest hit**_

_**A public access show!**_  
"So what exactly is the subject of our show going to be?" Hobbes asked suspiciously.

"Who else?" Calvin smiled broadly. "Me!"

"I think we'll need a bigger hook."

"What's THAT supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. But I'd keep looking."

Calvin: _**Just public access, but it's still something**_

_**The big stars see it as simply a dumb thing**_

_**And yet we have to start out small I know**_

_**And we will be Calvin and Hobbes**_

_**The greatest Calvin and Hobbes**_

_**Calvin and Hobbes present the newest hit**_

_**A public access show!**_  
-

Coincidently, Jason and Marcus were sitting by the gym, thinking thoughts along the same lines. They were lounging on a couple of lawn chairs that they had set up, reading some comics, and casually thinking about how they could get famous themselves.

"How are the funds for our _Star Wars_ theme park idea?" asked Jason.

Marcus checked a chart. "We made it to the double digits."

"Slow but steady, I guess," sighed Jason. "There's gotta be something else, though."

They both said nothing for a few minutes.

"...an off-broadway production!" Marcus suddenly cried.

"No."

This was followed by more silence. Finally, Marcus had another idea. "I think I heard someone mention a public access show."

Jason immediately perked up. "Yeah, and it could star Quincy. He IS everyone's favorite lizard, after all! We gotta start our campaign..."

(To the tune of "A Lot of Livin' To Do")

Jason: _**There's a world that would love this lizard**_

_**And we might just make a buck or two**_

_**And Quincy will storm them all like a blizzard**_

_**We've got some advertizing to do**_

Marcus: _**Some gecko can sell car insurance**_

_**And if he can do it, we can do it too**_

_**Quincy's got a lotta endurance**_

_**We've got some advertizing to do**_

Quickly, the boys hopped out of their chairs and ran into the art room to grab some supplies.

While all this was happening, things were otherwise running fairly normally at camp. The Eds were running from the Kankers, Lucy was pulling the football away from Charlie Brown, Schroder was playing beautiful music...and Kevin was attempting to flirt with Nazz, and doing quite decently at that. At this moment, the two were hanging out in the gym, where Kevin was doing tricks with a basketball.

"You're the coolest, Kev," gushed Nazz.

"Don't I know it," said Kevin, trying to play it smooth. "So Nazz, you wanna do something tonight?"

"Ooh, like what?"

Before Kevin could reply, Calvin jumped between the two of them. "Like tune in to Calvin TV!"

Kevin twitched a little. "Get...lost," he hissed.

Ignoring his anger, Calvin put his arm around Kevin. "Kevin, I'll level with ya. I've been around the block. A couple blocks, actually. Me and Hobbes like to ride around in our wagon. But seriously, you're still young. These are the best years of your life. Don't blow 'em on this bimbo."

"Bimbo?" cried Nazz, outraged.

Calvin shrugged. "No offense."

Calvin: _**You're a boy**_

_**A jerk, but still male**_

_**And the fun times in life**_

_**Well, there's just a few**_

_**So enjoy**_

_**Instead of grabbing tail**_

_**You've got a lot of livin' to do!**_

Angrily, Kevin swung a punch at Calvin, who quickly ducked and ran away, calling "Remember, Calvin TV! Any publicity is good publicity!"

Jason and Marcus, who were just coming back with a ton of posters heard the tail end of this. "Ain't that the truth!" agreed Jason.

Jason: _**There are posters to hang**_

Marcus: _**Don't forget commercials to air**_

_**Oh Quincy, we'll get you there**_

As the song continued, Jason and Marcus began to flood the gym with as many posters and drawings that they could and eventually got into an elaborate dance routine...right between Kevin and Nazz.

Jason and Marcus: _**On TV**_

_**Your favorite iguana**_

_**Not mention lovable nerds too**_

_**Come and see**_

_**You know that you wanna**_

_**We've got some advertizing**_

Calvin: _**Also a lot of livin'**_

Jason, Marcus and Calvin: _**We've got some advertizing to do!**_

"WILL YOU DORKS JUST GET OUT OF HERE?" Kevin finally shouted.

"Tell all your friends!" smiled Marcus and he and Jason happily scampered off.

Kevin was fuming. Here he was, about to score a date, an actual DATE WITH NAZZ, when these dorks had to DANCE in and ruin it! Not once, but twice! Even if that song was really catchy...but no. He was so steamed up, that he seemed to be unable to move. He simply stood there and growled at the space that had previously occupied Jason and Marcus.

After a few moments of silence, Nazz murmured, "Uhh...maybe I should go." With that, she slipped off.

A few seconds afterwards, Kevin's anger finally faded away. He turned back to Nazz...and realized she was gone. "Nazz, wait!" he called. Then, in anguish, he screamed "DORKS!" which echoed through the halls.

While Kevin had a meltdown, Moe was walking along through the halls, minding his own business for a change, not that there was too much on his mind, anyhow. Out of nowhere, Calvin rushed up and heartily slapped him on the back. "Hey, Moe! How's life treating you?"

Like a clockwork reaction, Moe punched Calvin, sending him flying back into the main room, splattering against a wall that Hobbes was sitting next to.

"That was worth it," Calvin whispered to Hobbes.

Indeed, Calvin had actually managed to stick a piece of paper on Moe's back advertizing Calvin TV. Success!

It was then that out of complete coincidence that Kevin happened to pass Moe in the hallway, while he was looking for some particular dorks to pound. As he walked by, Kevin noticed the paper on Moe's back. "Uh, Moe?"

"What?"

Kevin pulled the paper off of Moe and handed it to him. "Hey, what's this supposed to be?" grumbled the large bully.

Kevin turned the paper over.

"Oh," said Moe, reading it the right way. "That twinkie's usin' me as a refrigerator to hang his stupid pictures on?"

"He's trying to show off something," muttered Kevin. "I don't know what. But I'm getting really sick of those..."

(To the tune of "Kids")

Kevin: _**Dorks**_

_**I don't know what's up with these dorks we've got**_

_**Dorks**_

_**If they like something, you know it will rot**_

_**Dorks**_

_**Annoying little toying nerdy geeks**_

_**Drippy dweeby sickly needy wusses**_

Moe: _**I never liked 'em either**_

Both: _**Dorks**_

Kevin: _**They should be shipped off to some other place**_

Both: _**Dorks**_

Kevin: _**They'd pobl'y like it in outer space**_

Moe: _**Why can't they be like cool kids?**_

Kevin: _**Just not as cool as me**_

Both: _**Why'd they have to be so dorky?**_

Happy to vent a little bit, they both walked back into the main room to find that it was covered wall-to-wall with posters for Calvin TV and Quincy's Show. Some of the kids even had posters hung on them.

Kevin narrowed his eyes. "That's it."

A few seconds later, Calvin, Jason, and Marcus found themselves sitting on the pavement, having been thrown out by Kevin and Moe.

"And stay out!" yelled Kevin.

"Hey," Calvin called back angrily, "why didn't you throw Hobbes out?"

The stuffed tiger flew out immediately after this. "Thanks a lot," growled Hobbes. "He didn't throw ME out because I didn't do anything!"

"C'mon, Hobbes, we're a team!" Calvin said encouragingly. "We've gotta get that show!"

Jason turned to the boy and the tiger. "Wait a second, you're doing a show too?"

"How did you not know about each other's shows?" cried Hobbes. "You hung up posters together, you sang together..."

Marcus shrugged. "We must have just overlooked each other, I guess."

"Well, I bet our show is better than yours!" challenged Calvin.

"You're on!" Jason shot back.

"Why not combine the shows?" said Hobbes.

Calvin paused. "Combine the shows?"

"Hey, we could be twice as good!" said Marcus.

Jason nodded eagerly. "AND twice as long, which is even better!"

(To the tune of "One Boy")

All four: _**One show**_

_**One giant show**_

_**One entertaining**_

_**With really**_

_**Good ratings**_

_**One show**_

_**That everyone will see**_

"Now the key is still advertizing," said Jason. "We've gotta get back in there, because me and Marcus had a second step to our plan!"

"Wow, two steps," said Calvin, genuinely impressed. "Hobbes, we could learn from this."

"You never learn from things," replied Hobbes.

They peeked inside to see Moe standing guard at the door.

"What do we do now?" whispered Marcus.

"I've got an idea," said Calvin. He bravely walked forward, heart on his sleeve and...poked Moe, who fell over a second later.

"I was hoping he was asleep," Calvin explained to the others. "You can't see his eyes, so it's kinda hard to tell. We got lucky."

"Okay," said Jason, "now we have to get into the office and get on the loudspeaker. We need some kind of diversion..."

"Jonny and Plank's penny dance?" suggested Jonny, who seemed to appear out of nowhere.

"NO," said everyone else.

"Jerks." Jonny stomped off.

"I believe you can leave this one to me," said Hobbes, who strolled outside.

"SQUIRRELS! THERE ARE SQUIRRELS LOOSE! EVERYONE PANIC! PANIC IN A REALLY HAPHAZARDLY WAY!"

Pandemonium broke out, naturally. This was not a bluff. There were really squirrels loose in the Rec Center, courtesy of Hobbes.

"I've gotta say, Hobbes," Jason complimented as they moved through the panicked employees in the hall, "you're really great at catching squirrels."

"It's a feline thing," said Hobbes, studying his claws. "Plus, it helps that the squirrels here are crazy already."

"Now let's carry out the rest of plan!" cried Marcus.

They easily snuck into the office and found the building's speaker system.

"Okay," said Jason, "now to broadcast our incredibly catchy song over the intercom so the whole building will know about our show!"

"Do you think people will mind?" wondered Hobbes.

The speakers were currently playing "The Hamster Dance."

"No," replied Calvin.

They put a CD into the system. "We recorded this right before we were kicked out," explained Jason.

(To the tune of "We Love You, Conrad")

Jason and Marcus (over the speakers) _**We love you, Quincy**_

_**You're oh, so green**_

_**We love you Quincy**_

_**We think you're keen**_

_**If people don't like you**_

_**They're mean**_

_**Oh, Quincy**_

_**You're serene!**_

The song went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

"Now we play the waiting game," Jason said with a satisfied smile.

Outside of camp, a car arrived. It was the usual pick-up time for Jason. Usually a counselor was waiting outside to greet the parents and to then fetch the child, but today there was no one. It's hard to maintain a normal routine when your building is overrun with wild squirrels. And it was this reason that Mrs. Andy Fox sent her daughter Paige in to find Jason, which the teenage girl did, very grudgingly.

Inside the main room, everyone was going crazy. Partially it was because of the aforementioned rampaging squirrels, but also because the "We Love You Quincy" song was just that annoying.

"Make it stop!" moaned Linus, as he banged his head against the wall.

Jimmy crawled by, apparently in intense pain. "My ears, Sarah! I think they're bleeding!"

Kevin was the only one who wasn't launched into hysterics by all of this. Instead, he simply lowered his eyes and growled one word: "Dorks."

Those dweebs had been bugging people all day long and now Kevin was going to put a stop to it! He stomped into the halls towards the office, ignoring the screaming people and rampaging squirrels. If he couldn't find Jason and the others, then perhaps the head counselor could use her own authority to end all of these annoyances.

"Excuse me, kid..." said a voice behind Kevin as he was reaching the office.

Kevin turned around. In front of him was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Even more than Nazz! The lovely Paige Fox. Kevin couldn't speak for a second.

After a few more brief moments of silence, Paige asked. "What's up with that annoying song?"

Kevin quickly composed himself. He had to act cool. "A couple dorks are playing it. They're always bugging us. I can't stand them."

"Sounds like one of them's my brother," muttered Paige.

"Oops." Had Kevin blown it already?

"Nah, don't worry," said Paige. "Me and my brother smack him around all the time. He's such a dork!"

If just seeing Paige before wasn't an instant turn-on, then this was! "Did you say dork?" Kevin gasped in joyous amazement. "I ALWAYS call them that!"

"Hey, you've got good judgement!"

Both: _**Dorks**_

Kevin: _**Those guys just don't know how to have real fun**_

Both: _**Dorks**_

Paige: _**If you think that's bad, try to live with one**_

_**I could care less for hobbits**_

_**Elves, wizards, trolls and orcs**_ (What are those?)

Both: _**What's the matter with all these dorks?**_

"Wow," Kevin thought to himself, "our first duet...sweet..."

"Well, I'll go stop him," said Paige, walking off to find Jason, unaware that Kevin was again in his lovesick trance, swooning over the angel that had waltzed into his once meaningless life.

Calvin ran by, being chased down by a pack of squirrels. "Kevin! I don't like you but you gotta know that there are somehow even MORE squirrels than there were before and a raccoon got in too and it's HORRIBLE! RUN! RUN!"

But despite the turmoil around him, Kevin remained in his fantasies. A soft song played in his mind.

_**One girl, one special girl**_

_**One girl to go with**_

_**And talk with and walk with**_

_**One girl**_

_**That's the way it should be

* * *

**_Ahh, this brings back some memories. Back when I went to the camp that inspired these stories, I remember setting up some chairs with friends at the edge of a gymnasium and reading comics. Coincidentally, I believe the comics were Calvin & Hobbes and Foxtrot.

Oh, and our squirrels ARE crazy. The geese are too. Yeesh.


	2. Intermission

Between each act of the stories in the musicals, I think I'll add a little "intermission" featuring some normal activities for the campers.

* * *

Lucy was setting up her psychiatrist booth as she did every day in the camp's halls when she noticed something a few feet over that hadn't been there the other day. It was a booth. A new psychiatrist booth...one bearing Eddy's name.

"Hey!" Lucy yelled, running over to Eddy's new booth. "What's the big idea?"

"You've got a pretty good scam going there," Eddy remarked nonchalantly. "I figured you could use some, ya know, healthy competition."

Lucy made a fist. "You want healthy? It would be healthy if you took that down and never try crossing me again!"

"You're just scared I'll get more customers than you," sneered Eddy.

"Who in their right mind would come to your stupid stand?" exclaimed Lucy.

She chose the wrong time to speak, because Charlie Brown approached one second later.

"Hello, Eddy," said the unlucky boy. "I've been having some issues with my current therapist and I was hoping..."

Lucy growled.

"Never mind," gulped Charlie Brown, making a hasty retreat.

"You're drivin' my customers away!" shouted Eddy.

Lucy crossed her arms. "Expect more of the same if you don't get rid of this pile of garbage!"

"Make me."

"You're gonna be sorry you asked..."

Making another fist, Lucy stomped towards Eddy when she bumped into a large object that Eddy had immediately plopped in the way.

Actually, the object was Ed. "I'm the wall!"

With his normal dopey smile, Ed picked Lucy up and carried her out the door.

"Let go of me, you big neanderthal!" yelled Lucy.

Ed gently dropped her on the ground and trotted back inside. "My mom says to never hit girls, but I am gentle."

"Nice job, Ed," said Eddy. "We may even put her out of business!"

Lucy scrambled back inside and tried to look calm, realizing that she may still have the upper hand. "Funny," she smiled. "If you put me out of business, you'll have to take my old clients."

Eddy grinned. "Sweet, so we get that blockhead Charlie Brown? No big deal."

Lucy grinned back. "You forgot the others."

"Others?"

As if on cue, the Kankers zipped over. "Hiya, boys!"

"They're always in here to talk about their man problems," Lucy explained as the Kankers chased the screaming Ed and Eddy away. "This will actually work out for the better, I'd say."

Lucy looked around. The Kankers and the Ed duo were gone. With no one to man the new booth, she simply pushed it over. "And so the natural balance has been restored."


	3. Bye Bye Quincy ACT II

The next day after the squirrels (and a couple raccoons, a possum, and a goose) were cleared out of the rec center, things were normal again at camp. Aside, of course, from the hundreds of posters lining the hallways.

Kevin took a deep breath as he walked into the main room. Jason and Marcus were already here. Slowly, he walked over to the boys.

"So you think Quincy can pull off the kickline himself?" Marcus was asking.

Jason shrugged. "Eh, he's got four legs."

Kevin cleared his throat, trying to ease the awkwardness of the situation. "Uh...dudes?"

"DON'T HURT US!" screamed the two in response.

"Whoa, chill," said Kevin, bewildered at their reaction. "I was just gonna ask you about your sister, Jason."

"Paige? What about her?"

After an awkward silence (they were having a lot of those lately) Kevin finally managed to ask "...does she have a boyfriend?"

"Pfft, no," laughed Jason. "Who'd wanna date her?"

Naturally, another long moment of silence followed this.

"Hold on for one second," Jason told him when he finally realized what Kevin was trying to say. Grabbing Marcus, the two nerdier boys scurried into the hall.

"Can you imagine Kevin and Paige going steady?" whispered Marcus.

Jason's eyes widened. "Going steady...going steady...going steady..." he mumbled.

"Snap out of it!" cried Marcus.

Jason managed to get back to earth. "Right, right. Kevin's clearly out of his mind. ANYONE who wanted to date Paige would be. I don't know who I'd pity more in the situation, actually."

"I'd pity you," Marcus said in a matter-of-fact sort of way. "You'd have to see Kevin twice as much."

Jason's eyes widened again. "Going steady...going steady..."

A few seconds later, they returned to Kevin. "So...for some insane reason, you've got a thing for my sister," said Jason.

Kevin nodded. "Yeah, what's she like?"

(To the tune of "A Healthy Normal American Boy")

Jason: What is she like..._**You ask what she's like**_

_**She'd kill me if I told truth**_

_**But I'll tell you what she's like**_

_**She is snide and scaly**_

_**So ferocious, she could tear you limb from limb**_

Marcus: _**We knew one guy-tried to kiss her**_

_**Pity what happened to him**_

_**For she's a fire-breathing, whacked, psychotic, acid-spitting**_

_**Lovecraftian girl**_

"What happened to the guy?" asked Kevin.

"Too disturbing for words," shuddered Jason. "Instead, we'll just sing this little ditty we wrote. Perhaps you've heard it..."

Jason and Marcus: _**We love you, Quincy**_

_**You're oh, so green**_

_**We love you Quincy...**_

Kevin punched them both and stomped away.

"I think he got the point," groaned Marcus.

"Yeah," agreed Jason. "That was a friendly-type punch, right?"

"Remember, Kevin!" Marcus called.

Both: _**She's a half-Dementor, Dalek-minded, terrifying**_

_**Lovcraftian girl!**_

"...and she eats people," added Jason.

Later, Jason and Marcus were hanging out in Jason's room, wondering if they had made Paige sound too attractive in their song when they heard a knock on the door.

"Ye gads," Jason whispered, looking out the window. "Marcus, we're in trouble!"

"The squirrels are back?"

"Worse. KEVIN'S at the door..."

Marcus peeked out as well. Yes, it was indeed Kevin standing at the door, looking uncharacteristically nervous. To the boys' horror, Paige answered the door.

"Oh no..." gasped Jason as they watched the scene unfold. "He's actually asking her out! I'm gonna faint, Marcus!"

"Looks like she's letting him down gently," Marcus observed.

"So my sister does have some common sense!"

Below, Kevin sadly began to walk away when he noticed Jason and Marcus watching him. He glared.

"We may not be off the hook," muttered Marcus.

And Marcus was right. Kevin's heart was broken. And since he couldn't take his frustrations out on Paige, he would have to settle for her brother and her brother's best friend. The next day, all Kevin did was look for Jason and Marcus, who stayed way out of sight when they saw the baseball bat he was holding.

(To the tune of "What Did I Ever See in Him?")

Kevin: _**What did I ever see in her?**_

_**How did I ever fall with just one look?**_

_**Now I'm stealing back that love she took**_

_**What did I ever see in her?**_

_**Boy, that whole moment is a blur**_

_**She dumped me on the curb with all the trash**_

_**Now I'm mending my poor heart she smashed**_

_**What did I ever see in her?**_

Jason: _**Is he angry?**_

Marcus: _**Yes he is!**_

Jason: _**Is he seething?**_

Marcus: _**Yes he is!**_

Jason: _**Is he crazy?**_

Marcus: _**Yes, gee whiz! Why does he take it out on us?**_

Kevin: _**Why did she even lead me on?**_

_**Well, to be honest we'd only just met**_

_**But I had a feeling that we would get**_

_**Closer as time went by**_

Jason and Marcus: _**We're freaked out, really scared, asking why**_

_**Why did he ever?**_

Kevin: _**How did I ever?**_

All Three: _**What did I/he ever she in her?**_

Seeing as Jason and Marcus were tangled up with all of this Paige business, they couldn't help Calvin with the TV special. Calvin, Hobbes, and Quincy sat in a corner of the main room where there was less mayhem than the other areas and put their heads together to think.

Actually, Quincy just kind of sat there. He was adorable, though.

"We have to do something, Hobbes!" cried Calvin. "The Calvin and Quincy Variety Hour will never get made if Kevin keeps chasing them around!"

Hobbes sighed. "I doubt you'd understand, but Kevin is heartbroken. If we can fix him up with someone, maybe he'll lay off of Jason and Marcus."

"Right! We're calling an emergency GROSS Club meeting!"

A few seconds later, the boy, the tiger, and the iguana were all wearing newspaper hats.

"Now let's see," pondered Calvin. "Who should we dump Kevin on?"

"How about Nazz?" suggested Hobbes. "They've always had sort of a thing going on."

"Nah, too obvious."

"It's obvious because I'm right."

"You're just not a risk-taker, Hobbes."

"And you're just not someone who uses logic."

"Good, it's settled!" cried Calvin. "We line up a bunch of dates for Kevin! I've got some good ideas, too."

About half and hour later, Kevin was still prowling the halls looking for Jason and Marcus, who were dangling from some pipes on the gym ceiling at the time. They looked down nervously to see Kevin enter the large room and look around for the two boys.

Kevin probably wouldn't have noticed them on the ceiling, except Jason's shoe fell off and hit Kevin on the head. Kevin angrily looked up and pulled out a baseball to smack at them (he did have good aim), when Calvin ran over. "Kevin! Great news! Follow me!"

Calvin dragged Kevin out before he could get Jason and Marcus down. Needless to say, the tougher boy was not happy about the little interruption. "You DORK! I was just about to..."

"Hobbes and I were talking and we agreed that you could use some psychiatric help, along with a date. So we got you BOTH!"

"What?"

Kevin was so confused that he didn't realize that Calvin had led him down the hall to Lucy's psychiatrist booth.

(To the tune of "How Lovely to be a Woman")

Calvin: _**We heard that you need a woman**_

_**So we went and ordered some**_

Lucy: _**You might think the idea's sexist**_

_**Or old-fashioned, bad or dumb**_

_**And yet these three girls are willing**_

_**They thought this was a great plan**_

_**They've got issues with their "boyfriends"**_

_**They want to hold a man!**_

(The Kankers jump out)

Lee: _**It's wonderful to squeeze**_

May: _**A fella by his knees**_

Maries: _**Nothing's like the bliss of a kiss**_

Kankers: _**From Lees and Mays and Maries**_

_**We heard that you need a woman**_

_**You'll sure make out on the deal**_

_**You've been blessed with us three sirens**_

_**Now let's make out for real**_

_**We'll send you into a total ecstasy**_

_**Now you have got a woman times three!**_

Kevin managed to get out of their grasp. "Calvin, you DORK!"

"Eh," sighed Marie, "it just ain't the same."

May nodded. "He doesn't smell like my Ed does."

"Yeah, you're right," agreed Lee. "Let's go see our REAL boyfriends!"

While the Kankers left, Kevin had Calvin backed up against the wall. "Hey," stammered Calvin. "I got you three girls! Can't you show some gratitude?"

"I'll show you gratitude..." growled Kevin.

"Hold on, hold on!" Calvin managed to gasp out nervously. "I lined up some more girls for you!" He motioned to Peppermint Patty, Marcie, and Snoopy (who was in a wig).

Kevin's response was simple and predictable. He punched Calvin and left. Surprisingly, Lucy wasn't even mad that he didn't pay. "Well, that was worth it," she said to herself. "Plus I got to sing."

Calvin, Jason, and Marcus sat in the shallow end of the pool, soaking their bruised bodies. Kevin was not in a good mood.

"I don't get it," moaned Calvin. "How come he doesn't beat up YOU, Hobbes?"

Hobbes, unhurt, was relaxing by the pool's edge. "Because he knows I'm not the one who comes up with all the dumb ideas?"

Calvin shook his head. "Nah. If that was the reason, then he wouldn't hit Double D so much."

"Maybe he's just afraid of me then," guessed Hobbes.

"We'll keep that in mind," said Jason. "We might need a good defense system later."

"Sure coulda used one earlier," Marcus muttered to himself.

With a huge splah, all three Eds collapsed into the pool next to the boys. They didn't look very good, either.

Ed was the first to surface. "I'm beat, guys."

Double D followed. "Pain...pain..."

Eddy was the last one up. "Thanks a lot, Calvin!" he growled.

"What did I do?" whined Calvin.

"We weren't even IN this episode till you brought the Kankers into the plot!" cried Eddy. "We might have gotten a break otherwise!"

"Calm down, Eddy," Double D sighed. "I feel we have things a bit easier in these stories here than on our normal show."

"Yup," nodded Ed. "Breakin' the fourth wall."

"Well," said Marcus, "as long as you guys are here, maybe you can help us. We need to get Kevin off of our backs. I mean, we didn't even do anything to him this time! The karma is out of whack!"

Jason thought for a moment. "Maybe this is because of that one time we stole his underwear and made it into a kite and then accidently crashed the underwear kite into his bike, propelling it into the road where a car ran over it and then we took what was left of it apart and tried to put it back together but decided to make a robot instead and then the robot took some more of his underwear and made another kite and then accidently crashed the second underwear kite into Kevin's face."

Eddy sighed happily. "Sweet."

Ed suddenly had an idea. "Perhaps if we were to trap the two creatures in an enclosed environment built to suit each of their normal habitats, they would come to enjoy the other one's company, mate, and restore their species to its former glory before the white man overhunted them."

"Ed," Double D said slowly, "there are too many things wrong with that to even justify a response."

"No, I like this idea!" said Jason. "We need them both out of our hair, right? This'll put them both out of the way while we do our show! They'll be so mad at us while they're stuck in there that they'll end up taking the anger out on each other!"

"So you intend for them to fight it out like in a violent gladiator film?" gasped Double D in shock.

"I love it!" cried Calvin. "But what if they start dating instead?"

"We'll worry about that later," said Jason. "Come on, guys! We'll carry this plan out in an hour right after snack time!"

"We're having Oreos today!" cheered Ed.

(To the tune of "Put On a Happy Face")

Jason: _**We've had our share of errors**_

_**But we can still succeed**_

Hobbes: _**Kevin and Paige are terrors**_

Calvin: _**But that's the kick we need**_

Marcus: _**We've faced the punches, kicks and pummelings**_

_**We could get them back**_

Hobbes: _**Being outwitted could be humbling**_

Calvin: _**So we'll attack**_

Jason: _**We've had our share of blunders**_

_**But may win at that**_

Marcus: _**Through the lightnings and thunders**_

_**We haven't come out flat**_

All: _**We can rise above all that pain**_

_**We'll be on top again!**_

The plan was soon set. Jason made a phone call to Paige, claiming that a cute boy she had a crush on was a new counselor. Naturally, she was on her way, to excited to stop and wonder why her brother would care enough to tip her off.

Meanwhile, Calvin and Hobbes had a more dangerous job...the job of trapping Kevin. They tracked the tough boy down in the main room.

"Okay, Hobbes," whispered Calvin as they spied on Kevin from behind a bookshelf, "let's see if he's really afraid of you!"

Calvin threw Hobbes at Kevin, although he pictured it in his mind as a full-blown attack from a ferocious tiger. Kevin, however, saw it as a lifeless toy being tossed in his direction.

"Calvin," Kevin said in a low, warning tone, "I'm REALLY not in the mood for..."

"Plan B!" shouted Calvin, who quickly ran up and punched Kevin in the chest and then scampered away, clutching Hobbes.

This didn't hurt, of course, but after all of the things that had happened in the past couple days, this easily pushed Kevin over the edge.

Through the halls Kevin chased Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin was panicking, because the plan was to scare Kevin into the nearby closet where Jason and Marcus were going to lock Paige. However, every step of the ensuing chase was leading them farther and farther _away_ from the closet. Things were backfiring big time!

And during all of this, a song was playing in Calvin's head.

(To the tune of "One Last Kiss")

_**Oh one more plan**_

_**We need this final plan**_

_**We have to trap Kev-an**_

_**I really hope we can**_

_**And so this has to work**_

_**Has to work**_

_**Cause it is our last plan**_

Meanwhile, Paige skipped up to the front door in hopes of meeting her latest crush face to face. Instead she got a face full of iguana, as Jason was waiting for her, holding up Quincy. Paige, never having been overly fond of Quincy, screamed in response and began to chase Jason.

Naturally, the same song played in Jason's head.

_**Oh one more plan**_

_**We need this final plan**_

_**We've got a show to man**_

_**With Quincy and Cal-van**_

_**And so this has to work**_

_**Has to work**_

_**Cause it is our last plan**_

In a matter of a few moments, the two chases literally collided. Jason and Calvin jumped out of the way, leaving the pursuing Paige and Kevin to crash head-on. With Marcus's help, Jason and Calvin dragged the dazed older kids into a closet and locked the door.

"We did it!" cheered Jason. "Now we've got a show to film!"

"I've placed TV sets in every room," said Marcus. "Including that closet."

"Won't that make Kevin and your sister even angrier?" asked Hobbes.

"We're hoping that the gladiator idea will work," Jason explained.

Kevin and Paige sat together in the closet a short while later watching the long-awaited public access show, being broadcast all over the building. It was, of course, nothing to write home about. Most of the show consisted of Quincy sitting in front of the camera while Calvin danced around singing some admittedly decent numbers. It got old pretty quickly, though.

"Today really stinks," muttered Kevin.

"Tell me about it," agreed Paige. "Look, I've had my heart broken a ton of times. It really doesn't get any easier in high school. But that's the thing...there's not a huge age difference between us but this is the time when things like that can really matter. Besides, you seem like a really cool kid and with Jason and those other dorks as your competition, you're not gonna have any trouble. Really."

Kevin smiled. This almost made Calvin's singing bearable.

"Now," said Paige, "this isn't the first time Jason's locked me in here. A hairpin usually works."

"Just like in the movies," smiled Kevin.

Paige pulled out a hairpin and fiddled with the lock. A few seconds later, the door was open.

"Let's get some dorks," grinned Kevin.

Calvin was in the middle of "Honestly Sincere" when it happened.

Kevin and Paige burst through the doors of the recording studio (which was actually room in the rec center full of mirrors that was commonly used for yoga) and pummeled the whole group (sans the stuffed Hobbes).

All of the other kids watching the TV sets gasped in shock as they watched Calvin, Jason, Marcus, and even Quincy getting smacked around. It was highly entertaining.

"And thus," sighed Linus, "we once again see mankind at its worst."

"Hey," shrugged Lucy, "don't knock what gets good ratings." She began to applaud, which was unfortunately followed by a good deal of the other kids.

The carnage ended quickly. Satisfied with their work, Paige and Kevin took a bow for the cameras.

Calvin, Jason, Marcus, and Quincy lay in a heap in the corner. Actually, the boys (and iguana) had taken this kind of stuff before, so it really wasn't too bad. It was still humiliating, though.

"This is probably karma," said Jason. "Maybe the lesson here is that people need to communicate more about their conflicts instead of resorting to violence."

"I think it's more fun our way," said Calvin. "And how come Kevin didn't beat you up again, Hobbes?"

"Feline charm," shrugged Hobbes. "I don't question my gifts. It's a blessing of my species, much like some apes are blessed with opposable toes."

Marcus struggled to his feet. "Well, we're back to normal as always, guys."

A lightbulb went off over Calvin's head. "Yeah!"

Hopping up, Calvin decided that now was as good a time as any to do a closing number.

(To the tune of "Rosie")

Calvin: _**I guess life is rosy, back to status-quosie**_

_**When it's status-quosie**_

_**It all seems right**_

Jason: _**Time to end the showsie**_

_**Since it's status-quosie**_

_**I really supposie**_

_**That it all wrapped up tight**_

Marcus: _**Oh, we tried to make it big**_

_**With our kid and reptile gig**_

_**We can't really claim**_

_**That we got any fame**_

Hobbes: _**At least we all got the chance to sing**_

All Four: _**It's status-quosie**_

_**It's one always knows, see?**_

_**Life is once more a normal song to me**_

At that point in the number, Calvin noticed that Paige and Kevin were glaring at him and the other boys. He needed to think fast or things could easily get painful again.

"Uh...hey, guys!" Calvin called to Kevin and Paige. "We're on TV, after all! You wanna sing too?"

Kevin and Paige turned to each other, shrugged, and joined in.

Paige: _**Back to status-quosie**_ (Kevin: _**I'm back on my feet**_)

_**Punched them in the nosy**_ (Kevin: _**And Paige is still sweet**_)

_**I love status-quosie**_ (Kevin: _**But now it's what I'm used to**_)

_**It's what I'm used to**_

Jason: _**My sister doesn't frequent here**_

Paige: _**And you'll never have to fear**_

_**My coming back**_

_**Cause your dumb attacks**_

_**Are things I never want to be near**_

All: _**It's status-quosie**_

Kevin: _**You're talking to the prosies**_

All: _**Life is once more a normal song**_

_**Potential plots will still come along**_

_**Life is once more a normal song to me!**_

CURTAIN


End file.
